Social / Emotional Communication Skills

These are just some ideas of possible social/emotional skills a client might want to learn, as well as foundational skills that support them. Quick reminder, choices of skills need to be driven by the client's own needs/desires. All social work needs to be approached from the perspective of cultural differences, rather than right and wrong. (Don't know what I'm talking about? Check out My Approach to Social Communication.)

Exploring Feelings & Emotions

This is best done with the assistance of a counselor, and believe you me I try to get all my parents to get their kids into counseling! I think everyone can benefit from counseling from a really good counselor, but especially our neurodivergent kids. Being neurodivergent in a world not designed for you is generally hard and if one of these goals is applicable, it's probably even more so.

If you're lucky enough to have a good counselor on the team, pair with them as you assist with these goals. If not, I would recommend the parents look into counseling but still be working on these on my own.

Feelings Vocabulary Exploration

I know the difference between physical sensations and emotions, as well as the connection between them.

Background: Tired, sick, hungry, and dizzy are all sensations that give us feedback on the state of our bodies, while emotions such as happy, lonely, and frightened give us feedback on the state of our minds. There is interplay between physical sensations and emotions because our bodies and our minds are connected.

I know how different words can relate to the same emotion but convey a different intensity or context, and I can give examples of this with common emotions.

Background: To give an example, angry, mad, furious, frustrated, and annoyed are all variations on the same emotion yet we use them for unique situations. There are subtle differences in intensity and circumstances implied by each. Understanding their relationship to each other can help with the learning and understanding of new words as well as communicating intensity of one's own feelings.

I know both essential and intermediate level feelings words.

Background

Essential emotions vocabulary: Happy, sad, mad, and scared.

Essential physical sensation words: Tired, hurt (as in, in pain), sick, hungry, thirsty, hot, cold.

Intermediate level emotions vocabulary: At least one high and low intensity word for each of the essential emotions vocabulary. Examples - worried/scared/terrified, okay/happy/excited, frustrated/mad/furious, and down/sad/depressed. I would also teach guilty, confused, jealous, bored, proud, disappointed, embarrassed, shy, and silly. The concepts of panic and shame would be good, too.

Intermediate state of being words: Overwhelmed, hyperactive, distracted, focused, stressed, calm, surprised, ready, busy, comfortable, uncomfortable, and sensory overload.

Intermediate physical sensations words: Tense, queasy, dizzy, common pains (headache, stomachache)

Identifying My Own Feelings

I know how my body usually feels when I'm having a given emotion and I can use the sensations in my body as reminders to check in with my emotions.

Background: This is a skill to work on for kids who have trouble recognizing their emotions through other means. Sometimes even when you haven't noticed an emotion you can recognize signs it might be there. They're different for each person but have common themes. Muscle tension/relaxation and breathing/heart rate are probably the most consistent changes across people, but sensations of temperature (like face getting hot), certain pains (such as a headache), or other sensations (dizziness, queasiness, etc), getting sweaty, etc can be ways different peoples' bodies react when they're having a certain emotion.

Having a dialogue where you discuss what their body feels like when they're having a certain feeling can be useful as a reminder to check in with their minds and their bodies and see what's going on when they feel that way. (Make it clear that it's still important to communicate about sensations with adults, though.) How is this communication related? Because if you don't know you're having a feeling, you can't tell someone else.

Expressing My Feelings

I can communicate my feelings to others, even when I'm having big feelings.

Background: Learning how to talk about emotions (the basic vocabulary) and other ways to communicate emotions if talking is hard (having a "secret sign" that you're getting upset, using a picture or AAC device to indicate emotions) can really help with this. So can being able to recognize the feeling before it gets as big, because it will be easier to tell others about them then.

Feeling Better

I can help myself feel better when I don't feel good.

Background: Being able to come up with a coping strategy, a solution for an upsetting situation, or asking for help are all ways you can learn to help yourself feel better. You can also "cope ahead" or have a CPS (Collaborative and Proactive Solutions) conversation to help talk about upsetting situations and keep them from happening so much.

Example coping strategies (Client should be in charge of deciding which ones are helpful for them): Ask for a help, ask for a hug, blow bubbles, breathe deeply, color, count to 10, draw how I feel, do a maze, do yoga, get a drink, get ear defenders or ear plugs, give myself a hug, go somewhere quiet, imagine being somewhere happy, listen to music, look at pictures, move away, name 54321, read, say something kind to myself, progressive muscle relaxation, put on something weighted, squish something, stretch, talk about what's wrong, take a walk, think about a happy memory, use a fidget, write about what's wrong

Exploring Other Perspectives

Being able to understand and incorporate others' perspectives is an important skill. People think of how it's important for being able to determine the thoughts and feelings of others, and it's true that it does help you do that. However, this is a much broader skill that lets you simulate many things about another person - their sensations, their information, their brains and bodies, all of it and more.

Perspective Taking for Physical Sensations

I can imagine what another person is feeling from each of their senses in a given situation.

Background: This is looking at a picture of a person (or a real person) and being able to say what they're seeing, hearing, physically feeling, smelling, tasting, and any other sensory input they may be receiving. This is important because it gives you the basis for understanding the information a communication partner has in a given situation (have they actually seen what you're talking about?), inferring likely thoughts and feelings, and predicting what they're likely to do next.

An example I often see of a need for this is when I'm working with kids in teletherapy and I ask them to indicate a choice and over the video I see them point at their screen and say "That one!" It can be very frustrating for them when they don't understand why I don't know what they mean.

Perspective Taking for Information

I can tell a story that gets my message across to its listeners (requires that they understand and can follow the story).

Background: This doesn't seem like it's a perspective taking skill, but it very much is! Ambiguous pronouns, skipping key details in the story, starting in the middle, referring to people or things the listener isn't familiar with (such as talking about "the nice girl" with the expectation that will be understood), etc are all examples of the importance of perspective taking in story telling. (I like to address this with art, drawing out the picture a story is painting in my head.)

I can describe a concrete noun (person, place, object) or its location in a way that a listener can identify what I'm describing.

Background: This is important for sharing information. It requires perspective taking as to what information the listener already has, what they're experiencing with their senses, and an understanding of how much information needs to be shared to get your idea across.

I know what information is most important to share with a listener.

Background: One way I like to practice this is with a game I made up that I just call "Tell in 4". In just 4 words (not sentences, words), the person has to give enough clues so that the other person can tell what they're describing. For instance "cube, clear, under table" might be describing the storage container under the table. "Learn, teachers, students, place" might be "school". Bonuses given for the least number of words required - "meow" for instance might be enough of a clue on its own to guess "cat". When your words are limited, you have to really take the listeners' perspective and figure out what will most help them understand what you're talking about.

I can figure out if a message is going to be understandable to the listener, and if it isn't understandable, I can identify why.

Background: Inadequate volume, thinking something but not saying it, using ambiguous pronouns, skipping information because you're falsely assuming the other person knows it, etc are all barriers that can get in the way of information sharing. The perspective taking required to tell when one of these is present in a given message or situation is an important skill for preventing communication breakdowns.

Exploring interpersonal safety

I know what to do around people I don't know.

Background: Most strangers are perfectly well intentioned, but kids with social communication disabilities can be at risk of being mistreated by those who aren't if they don't understand the safety boundaries needed around different types of people. Understanding what makes someone a "don't know", a "kinda know", or "in your safety circle" and the different boundaries for each is a great goal to work on for those kids.

I can tell the difference between a regular problem and a safety problem.

Background: So many social rules don't apply to safety problems, and accidentally trying to apply them to a safety problem can lead to big problems. For instance, let's say you're grocery shopping and your mom passes out and her head is bleeding. You know you need help from an adult, so you go to ask an employee for help like you've been taught. Usually in order to speak to a cashier you need to wait in line. Does that apply in this situation? Not at all, you can skip the line to ask for help right away. But that's what many kids would do in that situation if they don't recognize that the rules are different for safety problems. That's why it's so important to be able to tell when you're dealing with a safety problem, because that's when getting immediate help cancels out pretty much any other social rule.

I can report a safety problem to an adult, even if I'm not immediately listened to.

Background: Compliance is usually drilled into children in general, and even more so in children who are disabled. You know when it's really dangerous to be compliant? When you're trying to report a safety problem and there's some barrier. Some safety problems, such as abuse, you may explicitly have someone trying to scare you into not reporting, for instance.

Even well intentioned people that would care if they knew there was a safety problem can present barriers to reporting. For instance, if you start feeling sick while you're taking a test, but when you go to say something the teacher cuts you off and says "No talking during tests!" that could be enough to make a kid not report their illness.

Finally, sometimes the first adult you tell might not believe you. You may go to report a safety problem of another adult touching you in an unsafe place and maybe they say "Stop making things up, if I hear you spreading rumors like that again, you'll be in trouble." What do you need to do? Find someone else to tell and keep telling until you're believed - the exact opposite of what the first adult just told you to do.

Being able to go against what you've been told is critical in situations like this, and practicing how to report problems - when you need to break a rule, how to explain your safety problem, who to tell, what to do if someone doesn't listen, etc - is a critical part of building this skill strong enough for if it's ever needed.

I know what a boundary is, what my boundaries are, and the difference between a safety boundary and a personal boundary.

There are four types of boundaries I work on with kids - boundaries with information (some is private, some is not), space, touch, and words. There are more than these, so feel free to add whatever is appropriate for the client. Some of these boundaries will be personal boundaries, such as if I am okay with someone touching my hands, or if I mind someone calling me a nickname. Other boundaries are safety boundaries, such as someone touching private areas or saying threatening things to you. Being able to both know your own boundaries and how to react to boundary violations (being able to self advocate with personal boundaries and get help right away for safety boundaries) is an important skill for safety.

I understand and can use vocabulary relating to safety.

Background: Some words are important to understanding broader concepts. These words are: public, private, safe, unsafe, dangerous, comfortable, uncomfortable, emergency, and aware. Other words introduce concepts, such as peer pressure, bully (and the types of bullying), abuse (and some types - physical, emotional, sexual, neglect), secret (safe and unsafe secrets), boundaries (and types), and consent. Other concepts are associated with ways people try to coerce kids. The concepts/vocabulary words threat, bribe (and what bribes are unsafe), secret (safe vs unsafe), and promise (safe vs unsafe) are helpful for that.

Exploring the mind

This is executive function as well as neurodiversity.

I know what attention is.

(Possible add ons depending on client interest: How to bring attention back, how to prevent distractions.)

Background: This is an area in which there's a lot of misunderstandings. Adults say "pay attention" or "focus" as though it's one consistent thing. But it's not. Even the person with the best focus in the world, who has spent decades meditating, will have their attention wander and that is normal. In reality what attention is is our ability to notice what our minds are thinking about and after they wander, if we choose to, the ability to guide our thoughts back to the subject we were trying to think about. And to do that over and over and over. Because that's what attention really is; not one long non-stop period but many, many small ones put together.

As I was writing this paragraph I noticed the lights change in the room as a cloud passed, the creaking of someone else's chair, thought about how I was hungry - but I would say I was focused as I wrote it. Because every time I was able to notice where my thoughts were and bring them back to where I wanted to be.

This needs to be taught in a very neurodivergence affirming way, as always. Because having a brain that doesn't focus the way other people's brains do is perfectly okay. Having a brain that doesn't focus the same way other people's brains do can make some things harder, because the world isn't set up in a way that works well for people whose brains and bodies are different from others. However, it can also be good!

For example, when I check in with my husband about what he's thinking about, it's always related to something at hand. Me? My brain is unpredictable. I might be thinking about something connected, but more likely my brain has taken several leaps and is now thinking about Victorian history or trying to figure out if native trees survived a storm better than non-native trees. The world needs both of our minds. My brain puts together surprising combinations of areas sometimes to come up with a new idea or solution to a problem, because it jumps around a lot. The downside is that my attention doesn't go where I want it to as easily. It's not better or worse across the board, just different.

I understand vocabulary and concepts related to the mind/brain or to disabilities.

Different brains/bodies: neurodivergent, neurotypical, neurodiversity, disability, disabled

Mind: brain, mind, thought, sense, memory, remember, impulse

I can use flexible thinking to infer multiple possible causes of an action or to predict multiple possible actions that will follow.

Flexible thinking is part of executive function. When you look in most social communication workbooks you'll find that when they're teaching "flexible thinking" that's actually often code for "going along with what other people tell you to do even if it doesn't fit your own plan". As you might imagine, that's rather soured people's impression of teaching flexible thinking.

However, flexible thinking is much more than that. It's the ability to hold a situation in your mind, examine it, and run multiple simulations to come up with possibilities. You can use it both to figure out why something might have happened or guess what will happen next, while keeping an open mind. If you aren't flexible, your first guess is going to seem like it's the right one or maybe even the only possibility. That can lead to a lot of misunderstandings as well as stress. If I think that we're definitely going to do something then that can cause a lot of genuine surprise and distress when it doesn't happen. If I'm able to simulate multiple possibilities, even if I can't know for sure what's going to happen, I'll at least be able to keep multiple possibilities in mind and be less surprised.

Exploring self advocacy

The ability to self advocate (even in situations where people are trying to get you not to) is one of the best skills that can be taught to a child.

I can ask for a break.

Background: Everyone needs a break sometimes, especially if they're living in a world that is extra overwhelming because it's not made with someone with their unique sets of needs and skills in mind. Being able to ask for a break can be extremely helpful in those moments and prevent a lot of future problems.

I can determine if a problem is one I can solve or that I need help with and report the problem if needed.

Background: It's important to be able to report not just safety problems, but also regular problems. Realizing you don't have a pencil when you're supposed to write an essay isn't a safety problem, but it's still going to make it so you can't achieve your goal.

I know my accommodations and can request them.

Background: Teachers have a lot of things on their minds and even if they are aware of and wanting to follow a child's accommodations (which is, unfortunately, not always the case), they will make mistakes sometimes. Being able to remind your teacher that you need your slant board to write on or that you get extra time on your test is important for those moments.

I know what my diagnoses are and can explain them to others.

Background: This is not just social communication related diagnoses, this is literally anything. Asthma, epilepsy, even non-life threatening things like strabismus. Not being able to name and explain diagnoses, even ones that seem inconsequential, can be a safety problem. My cousin has nystagmus, where his eyes move horizontally back and forth constantly. He's actually perfectly safe to drive, passed his test and everything, but he was pulled over one day and the officer thought his eyes must be like that because he was taking drugs. If he hadn't been able to explain, that could have been a definite safety problem situation.